Who Are We?
Trans is an umbrella term for all kinds of identities. There is no way we could offer you an inclusive list without forgetting someone, for this reason we use trans men to refer to people who were assigned female at birth but who are living as men or as male. There is no one way to be a transman. Some of us pass, and some of us don’t.

Passing

“I’d say passing to me isn’t essential, the piece that’s essential to me is, if I come out to you and you continue to treat me as male. Can I play in my body as a guy and be perceived and responded to as a guy? That matters. If someone is going to make me into a girl in their mind with their behaviour, it’s not happening.”

“Passing” is being recognized by others as the gender that you were not assigned at birth.  For trans men, this means being seen as male. Passing is a matter of perception, the way that people perceive and treat your gender in day-to-day life and unfortunately, passing does not always go hand-in-hand with your gender. You can feel male or identify as a man and not pass, or only pass some of the time. There’s lots of ways that trans men express their masculinity, from binding their chests to changing their speech patterns to taking testosterone and having surgeries. Some trans men actively choose not to pass.  Possibly they are trying to fuck with the gender binary, or they want to be seen as queer or they just don’t care. There is often an emphasis on passing in trans communities but it can be helpful to remember that passing does not make you more of a man.

“I think passing for me, it makes a big difference. It makes a big difference to the men that I’ve been with that I appear or pass very well as a man”

For many trans men who are looking to fuck, or have relationships with other men, passing can be a huge issue. The reality is that gay and queer male communities generally respond more positively to trans men who pass. Some questions you can ask are, how does passing effect the decisions you make in regards to your sexual health? What does the pressure to pass mean for you when you’re making choices about the sex you’re going to have? Whether you pass or not, it’s a good idea to think about if and when you will tell people you are trans.

Disclosure

“I would say part of what I get off on is that it feels dangerous and risky and certainly there are guys in the community who have a negative reaction to this [being trans]."

When should you tell someone you’re trans? Do you have to tell people you’re trans? These are questions that we ask ourselves all the time and unfortunately, there are no easy answers. trans men are men.  But some non-trans gay men don’t know anything about our bodies or our identities and they may say insulting or offensive things.

For trans men, if you are passing or not, you’ll need to make a decision about whether you want to tell the person you are fucking that you are trans. There can be pros and cons to both disclosing and not disclosing. Each person will make their decision based on what kind of sex they want to have, where they are, if they feel comfortable and/or safe, and many other reasons.

If you decide to disclose, here are some things to consider:

• Are you in a space that is comfortable and/or physically and emotionally safe?
• Can you easily leave the situation?
• Are you prepared to educate someone who might not know a lot about trans people?

If disclosure goes badly:

• Do you have a place to go or can you leave the situation safely?
• Do you have support from friends or family?
• Can you deal with possible sexual/emotional rejection?

A lot of trans men never disclose. Other trans men disclose and continue to have great sexual experiences. It’s hard to tell how a situation will play out but consider this an opportunity to tell your future partner how they can touch your body and what kind of sex you want to have.

Cruising
Cruising can be a great way to hook up for casual sex.  Still, every time you cruise you face a variety of outcomes: the chance of a good time, great sex, bad sex and everything in between. Crusing also comes with the possibility of rejection.  Fear of rejection can lead some guys to take sexual risks when they worry that the guy they are with will reject them if they insist on safer sex.  Thinking in advance about how you will cope with rejection may help you to avoid situations where you feel pressured to compromise your safety for a chance at sex or intimacy. 

Some General Tips for Cruising:  

• Fucking under the influence: Some guys have a harder time playing safe when they are using drugs or alcohol.  Others do not.  If you have sex while drunk or high, think ahead about whether you are able to make the same choices you would make sober and plan accordingly.  It can help to have safe sex supplies visible during sex to remind you and to signal to your partner you want to be safe.
• Protect yourself: Always carry condoms, water-based lube, and other safe sex supplies you need while cruising; don’t expect the other person to have them regardless of whether you are the top or bottom (person getting fucked).
• Avoid flossing or brushing your teeth at least 30 minutes before you have oral sex as it can cause bleeding and irritation in your mouth, which increases risk of HIV transmission.
• Decide ahead of time if you are going to disclose that you are trans. Be prepared if you are outed by someone.
• Avoid body shaving.  If shaving is part of a sex scene, do not share razors and avoid body fluids, especially cum or vaginal fluids on the parts of your body you have shaved.

Bar/Nightclub
Bars and nightclubs are common places for cruising. Some gay clubs are trans friendly and others are not. If you can, talk to other trans men about their experiences at different bars or try to find the information online.

Tips:

• Talking to Strangers: If you’re leaving with someone tell a friend or introduce the person to your friends.
• Sneaking a fuck: You might be asked to leave by management or security if you are caught having sex. Some clubs allow for this and others do not.  Legally the law has shifted in Canada since 2005 so that back room sex in a gay establishment is not generally considered illegal, especially in the context where it is obvious to people that if they go into a certain area where sex is happening. This does not prevent police from laying charges that are later withdrawn, especially if they receive community complaints and feel they need to react. While it is not true that anything goes, sexual acts are much more permissible now than before.

Parks & Public Washrooms
If you cruise in parks, be aware of your surroundings For example, beer bottles might indicate that people are there to party and not to cruise. Try and read the body language of the person you’re cruising and be careful. Cruising often starts in public places, like parking lots or nature trails, but the actual sex takes place in more isolated areas.

Some trans men who cruise decide not to disclose that they are trans.  It is easy to give a blow job in a park and still pass.  It is not uncommon for some guys to only suck dick and to not allow other guys to touch their genitals, whether they are trans or not.  It is okay to decide ahead of time what you want to do and to stick to that in the moment.  Sometimes, this can mean we lose a sexual opportunity because a guy wants something we are not prepared to do.  Remember, there is always another guy coming along shortly and he may be into the same things you are!

Tips:

• Avoid carrying a lot of money and bank/credit cards.
• If you can, ask people who cruise or check online to see if there are any known problems with the cruising areas you use, like a heavy police presence, what the crowd is like, what you can expect, etc.
• Try cruising with a friend for mutual safety. You may split up to get action separately, but you’re still in it together. Look out for one another.  Carry a cell phone so you can call each other if something goes wrong.
• It is illegal to have sex in a public park or washroom.  You can be charged with a criminal offence if you are caught or turned in.  Always stay aware of your surroundings and be cautious about moving too quickly sexually until you have a signal from the other guy that he is into sex.  Often, guys will make eye contact or touch their genitals through their pants to signal that they want to have sex.  In a washroom, guys will sometimes tap their foot in the stall next to you to indicate they are cruising.  If a guy is cruising at a urinal, he will likely start to stroke his cock subtly to show his interest.  It can be smart to wait until the other guy makes a more overt sexual move, like reaching over to touch your genitals or taking his dick out of his pants.  That way you know he is less likely to be a cop and he wants to play.

Bathhouses
Bathhouses are another common place where men go to have casual sex. In some cities, bathhouses are legally licensed spaces that are considered private (except where they serve alcohol).  For those who have never been to one, bathhouses can be the sexual equivalent of a dinner buffet. Bathhouses have various rooms for different activities: rooms/cubicles, dark public rooms, public shower and toilet areas. Some will also have wet & dry saunas, gym rooms, porn video rooms, whirlpools, etc, all with the purpose of getting off. In addition to other sexual play spaces, there may also be non-sexual relaxation areas.

A lot of bathhouses have either formal or informal policies that ban trans men. A formal policy usually means “men only” and that sometimes excludes people who don’t have flesh cocks. This can be a problem for trans men who haven’t had genital surgery and who don’t have legal identification with proper gender designation.
Informal policies are more about the attitudes to or treatment of trans men in the bathhouse and the way that certain bodies/body parts may not be welcome. If you haven’t had chest surgery or when you attempt to sign-in you might be made to feel uncomfortable.

It is important to know that just because a bathhouse is an indoor, private space does not mean it is free of violence or harassment.  Men of all sexualities, values and political perspectives go to bathhouses and it is not uncommon for men to experience racism, homophobia and other forms of discrimination in the space.  If you experience any problems, report them to bathhouse management.  If they do not back you up, report them to community agencies with trans or HIV prevention programs that work in bathhouses.  These agencies may have a relationship with the managers and can assist you in addressing concerns you may have.

Tips:

• If you don’t pass you might not get through the door. If you do pass, you still might face harrassment when you are inside.
• Most men in bathhouses walk around with a towel around their waist, but otherwise naked.    Some bath houses will not let you be fully clothed when cruising; however, you can be partially clothed in most bath houses, and some non-trans guys do that too.  Sometimes, wearing pants or other clothes is a way for sex workers to signal they are working in the space, so don’t be offended or shocked if you are clothed and someone indicates payment for play. If you have chest surgery scars and feel self-conscious about them, chest harnesses or leather vests are acceptable attire in most bathhouses.
• There is often not a lot of verbal negotiation in a bathhouse.  Often, guys will set their boundaries through touch, pushing unwanted hands away. If you want to “give” sexual pleasure, just remember there are a lot of non-trans gay guys who also really get-off on giving and don’t expect any reciprocation. Or you can get in front of a glory hole (where guys put their dicks through) and give as much head as you want.
• Check yourself for sores and rashes, which increase your risk for HIV transmission.
• Wash your hands regularly with warm water and soap and do not put your hands near your face or mouth, especially if you like to play in guy’s asses with your fingers. Avoid over-using alcohol based hand sanitizers as they can dry out your skin and cause skin cracks.
• Avoid sharing towels. Make sure your towel is between yourself and the bench inside the sauna/steam rooms to avoid bacteria or infections.
• Even though many bathhouses offer free condoms, it’s a good idea to bring your own condoms and lube as well.
• Consider showering between sexual partners.  Some bathhouses have private showers that will allow you to remain safe, stealth, and healthy.  You can learn about the specific amenities of a bathhouse through their websites or by calling ahead.

Meeting Online
The internet is a great place to find people to hook up with. Online communities, dating sites and online personal ads give trans men the opportunity to meet people for friendship or to find casual sex. For most of these websites, you can do online searches and see if there are other trans men on the site or if that particular website is trans friendly. Whatever the situation, keep in mind that it’s the person you’re connecting with – not the website. Just because the site is safe, doesn’t mean the person is.

Tips:

• Decide ahead of time if you’re going to disclose your trans status. You can do it in your online profile, in emails or in person.
• If you disclose, be prepared to answer questions about your gender and your body. For some people this can be an opportunity to let people know what you want sexually and what your expectations are for the encounter.
• If you’re nervous about meeting in person, cybersex and webcams can really break the ice. These online approaches to sex can be fun and help you be more comfortable about having sex (on or off the internet).
• If you’re inviting someone over to your apartment, meet them in the entrance lobby so you avoid giving out your entry code and apartment number.
• If you decide to meet up with the person, make sure that someone knows where you’re going and that you have some way of contacting them if the situation is not what you were expecting.
• Be clear that you want safer sex and be prepared to assert that when you get together with your hook up.  Some guys will say they are into safer sex and then when they get together will try to have unsafe sex.  This may be particularly true if the guy you’re with believes that trans guys are much less likely to have HIV.
• Know that guys with HIV will not necessarily disclose their HIV status.  HIV carries a great deal of stigma and discrimination.  The fact that a guy is willing to have unsafe sex with you does not mean anything about his HIV status.  He may have HIV and think that you do too or that it is your responsibility to insist on safer sex if you want that.  He may not have HIV and think that you don’t either.  And he may have HIV and not know it.  About one-third of gay guys in Ontario who have HIV do not know it